Addiction

I’m addicted to a certain type of drug. My drug is based on compulsion and has created a physical and mental need for itself just like any other drug would. My drug is legal and there is a pusher on every corner on every street and just about every cubicle at my job place. The drug I’m addicted to is usually the centerpiece for birthdays, funerals, holidays, and various work place functions. I use it when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m upset and even when I’m just bored. It’s an undeniable and inescapable part of life and while the right kind can breed health and well-being the wrong type is second only to cigarettes for cause of death in the US.

My drug is food.

Addiction is a word that we usually think of when it comes to things like drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Lately with new medical advancements, and being able to better map and understand the human brain, we come to understand that an addiction can be nearly anything as long as it triggers a reaction within the pleasure/pain portion of the brain. These reactions as studied have come to show that you can have a truly physical dependency on other substances besides those we thought possible, from everything to gambling to online shopping.

I’ve always felt like saying you were addicted to something was somewhat of a cop out, a ready excuse. Addiction, especially when we are talking about food, seemed like something you could point to and blame every time something didn’t go your way. Sure you could really like pizza, but it didn’t mean you were a junkie looking for a fix. However, after recent conversations with a health care professional it is clear to me that I, in fact, not only love the taste of food, but have a physical dependence on it.

The line between compulsive overeating and addiction is a thin one, but there are some clear signs. When you constantly overeat, even if it makes you feel badly, and you eat even when you aren’t hungry it’s a pretty good signal you are addicted to food. Furthermore if not eating bad food over a period of time elicits a negative physical response (i.e. headaches, fatigue) it’s also a good sign that you are addicted to food.

I handily can put a checkmark next to each of these and more. My thoughts are on food almost all day, often I’m thinking of dinner before I even finish lunch. I look forward to eating and when I do it gives me a slight boost in the way I feel. When not eating foods high in fat and carbs I often feel irritated, fatigued and have splitting headaches. I’ll eat till I feel sick just because I feel the overwhelming urge to continue shoving food into my face.

Make no mistake about it, this addiction is actively threatening my life in the same way drugs or alcohol would. Being obese, such as I am, raises my risks for hundreds of diseases; first and foremost diabetes, heart disease and certain types of cancer. This “drug” called food is slowly killing me and I have to find a way to break my addiction, my compulsion. That starts, so is often said, by admitting I have a problem. Boy do I ever have a problem.

I’ve tried diet after diet, time after time, and failed every time. My excuses (and blog posts) often are the same and I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loop, a slave to the diet I have that is so high in fatty and carb rich foods. The failures I’ve accumulated when trying to lose weight have piled so high I can no longer see over them to the idea of succeeding. Usually I’ll defeat myself before I ever even truly get started. It’s a vicious cycle and one I absolutely have to break the same way a junkie needs to give up the needle.

It doesn’t get much more serious than this folks. I’m borderline diabetic, my cholesterol and blood pressure are high, I have a hard time breathing and the aches and pains of my overworked body grow worse by the month. A doctor has told me that if I don’t correct the way I’m living, right now, I’m at serious risk of a severe heart attack or possibly even stroke. If I don’t break away from these toxic habits, it’s not a question of if I’ll die, it’s basically a question of when.

Even worse is the fact that I’m now dragging my six year old son down this same path. I would do anything to protect my son, but on the other hand I’m teaching him to eat so much he actually throws up. I’m not shoving the food in his mouth, but I’m setting the example that this is a normal and healthy diet while it most clearly isn’t. I have to change for me, for him.

This is my last chance people of the internet. The writings of a hopeful, yet hopeless individual, that knows what he has to do and how, but can barely see past the giant wall in his way. I’m going to do this a day at a time if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming. This blog, these writings, will serve as a way to write down the things that are hard for me to say out loud and hopefully someday as a journal of how I got to a healthier me.

I’m staging my own intervention. Please join me on my journey and support me in my endeavors.